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The following advice is famously attributed to Thomas Jefferson: "When angry, count to 10 before you speak. If you are very angry, count to 100". This can work if, while counting, one is also intentionally choosing to let one's anger dissipate.
An article at medium.com is worth a read since it explains how it helps and how it can help even more. Here are a few highlights, but I encourage you to read the article for the details.
I will give a brief illustration regarding anger in my life, as I am guessing you can cite your own. My wife, Marcia, tended to be one who gave a response without counting to 10 (or 100, or even 1). She often said what she was feeling at the time. I, on the other hand, tended to think before speaking, though I didn't know about this counting suggestion. (To be fair, sometimes it was me who spoke quickly while Marcia refrained.) However, when Marcia spoke to me without thinking about her words, I often clammed up, and I didn't respond at all. My reaction was equally harmful as her speaking without filtering. Her words might be hurtful to me, but my silence was also hurtful to her (based on discussions when we were intentionally communicating and listening).
Communication is a two-way street, and the speaker needs to think before speaking in order to effectively communicate a palatable message. However, the hearer also needs to intentionally listen to the message, both spoken and not spoken. This should be followed by giving grace to the speaker by recognizing the actual message the speaker was trying to communicate, and then proceeding to discuss it in an accepting attitude and process. While Marcia and I never mastered executing the best methods of communication, we did work on improving on ours.
Published 2026-12-01. Bible verses added 2026-01-22.
If you find any errors in the text, please let me know. Thanks. Contact me with errors or comments using hibbardac@gmail.com. [Back to the top] [About the author, Al]